| "Vintage Reading® Stories Heard Over the Back Fence"
Peckinpaw's Proprietary Pills
Updated and Adapted from an 1894 Short Story
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FEBRUARY 2007 :: © 2007 Buday Books / Vintage Reading®
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That Friday was the day I'd just as soon forget! Had a flat tire while
driving to work--was fifteen minutes late getting to the office. My
phone was ringing--Bert, our shipping manager, said he wouldn't be
in--sick.
Next--the corrugated box maker who guaranteed to have our
order on our loading dock this
morning, had a factory fire last night; that put him at least 3 weeks
behind, which meant I had to tell our best--but
easily-irritated--customer we had to re-schedule delivery of his
already-late holiday sale items.
It was that kind of a non-stop morning.
At half-past eleven, the phone stopped ringing just long enough for a
tall stringbean of a man to plop his old valise on my desk.
"Peckinpaw's my name, sir, Erasmus Peckinpaw. What I have in this
valise will abolish the need for eating as we've known it for thousands
of years."
"Abolish eating! Mr. Peckinpaw?"
"I have totally abolished eating, sir, with all its attendant evils of
chewing, swallowing, loss of time, indigestion; etc." He unlocked his
valise, took out a cigar box of medium-size colored pills, and drifted
off in reverie as he gazed at his brainchild. He looked at me and
confided--
"Sir, I offer you the opportunity to be the first--other
than my family--to have a nourishing, satisfying, appetizing noon meal.
Select the pill you find appealing; I shall do likewise."
I begged to be excused.
"Very well, sir, very well; no offense taken. I forgot you are new to
the benefits of my invention. Take for example, picnics. Think
of the cumbersome labor; of loading baskets (and sitting on custard
pies); of armies of ants come running to share the bounty; of time
taken away from play; of messy, dirty dishes that will be on our mind
until we get home to wash them. Ugh!
"With my invention, everyone
can carry lunch in their pocket, select a P-23 Picnic Pill and wash it
down with a glass of water--no fuss, no mess, no dirty dishes.
"The
hour businessmen spend--running to a restaurant, waiting for their
order to be cooked and served, rushing to get back to the office in
time--that has never been a good way to eat. At meetings of diplomats
and Ministers of State, my Banquet Pill B-83 will leave the whole time,
otherwise spent eating and drinking, used instead for discussion of
world-shaking events."
"An interesting approach, Mr. Peckinpaw, but how can you fit so much nutriment in a pill?"
"A perceptive question, sir. You are aware that the larger part of food
is water. After that is taken out, the remainder is further condensed
and compressed by my secret processes.
"My invention revolutionizes
medicine, allows dentists to do away with pain and drills; it allows
pharmacists to pursue more fruitful studies, and lessens disharmony in
the world."
Mr. Peckinpaw stood up, in much the way I imagine a victorious leader stands to accept the defeated enemy's sword.
"My invention, sir, is as important in the world as the discovery of Fire, or The Wheel!"
~ ~ ~
All during this remarkable interview I had been secretly praying. It
was a demonstration of The Almighty's Infinite Mercy that our Sales
Manager just then came to ask for an immediate opinion on the Company's new TV
ads, as both telephones began to ring again.
"I see you are
busy, sir; for my part, I must be on my way to the Patent Office. One
thing before I go--could you lend me twenty dollars for a few days?
After I have filed for my Patent and returned home, I shall repay your
loan by overnight mail."
"Twenty? With the greatest pleasure Mr. Peckinpaw."
~ ~ ~
That was several months ago, but if Mr. Peckinpaw should happen to read this, he may rest assured I know
he is so absorbed in his great invention that returning the twenty
slipped his mind. I regard that oversight as my investment to make
the world better, improve humanity, and have a little peace and quiet.
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